October is a rough month:

For whatever reason, the month of October has been undoubtedly rough. Whether it be people in the work place acting like jerks, family members falling ill or reappearing for that matter, people having babies, people being sealed, etc, we're all a bit tied up.

As of late, Grandma Adams, or Hilda, as I sometimes refer to her, has apparently suffered a stroke, the likes of which have left her motionless on her left side. Ross and Ned went to give her a blessing yesterday afternoon, and I met up with Ross later to lend my support. I can't begin to explain how hard this was as Hilda is the first grandparent to show any real interest in me since my Great Grandmother died back in 1992. Seeing her somewhat incopacitated was difficult, not for me, but for what it must mean for her, because she is a woman of much pride, taking great lengths to walk herself to wherever she needs to go. And it goes deeper than that. Down to the core of her soul, she's a fighter, and from what I know of her, always has been. For people who don't like to be wrong, or who don't like to depend on others, this sort of blow can be personally devistating.

It's been hard for me to express my feelings because I still feel so new to this family, and I am still afraid to claim any part of a life I just married in to. Have I had enough time with her to feel as strongly as I do? In my own heart it still amazes me how Rolyne feels like my mother, how Lori, Kaylene, and Keri feel like my sisters, or how Rachel, Karin, Karla, and Em feel like my sisters as well. And this also goes for Doug, Ned, Scott, and Jeff, or Daniel, Bill, and Rob who I most definitely look up to and am proud of, just like my own older brother Alex.

Right before Anita died, my father's mother, she told my mom that she would have a girl. This was one of many conversations my mother had, one on one, with Annie before she passed. My mom came from a broken family, far more broken than mine, and she looked forward to those moments with Annie becuase sometimes, they were all she had. When my mom converted to the Catholic faith, Annie was there to help her. When Alex developed colic, Annie was there. And so, when Annie died, my mother was devistated, but also faced a backlash from my two aunts, who told her that her grief was misplaced, Annie was not her mother.

I always sort of carried this fear with me that one day, when I got married, my sister in laws would treat me the same way my mother had been treated, like dirt. I spent a lot of time dating and trying to find the right person for me, only to realize that it wasn't just the person I needed to love, it was his family as well.

In March of 2008, Ross flew me up to Utah to meet his family for the first time. The night before I was supposed to fly up, my father had gone off the deep end. Claiming that he was tired of living "this" way, he proceeded to lock himself up in his bathroom and threaten suicide. As he blared his favorite music, I grabbed the downe vest I had just purchased for the trip, and carefully placed it into my suitcase. A few seconds later, my mother came in to my room in tears, wanting to know what she should do. I couldn't say what I wanted to because I was afraid of my own lack of compassion, so I just stared at her blankly, and then proceeded to pack up the rest of my things. Moments later, the police showed up, and I closed my door.

Meeting Rolyne for the first time, I felt a bit ashamed, as if the words "my father threatened to kill himself last night" were written all over my shirt. I wasn't prepared for the lack of judgement, the wealth of love and understanding, and the ease of just fitting right in that followed that week. And it was then that I knew, no matter where I came from or what I had to deal with, these were people sent to me from God, a second beginning if you will. No longer did I have to defend myself at every turn, or scream at the top of my lungs to be heard, and no longer did I have to be afraid that I wouldn't "fit in" or that someone "wouldn't include me". This was a new extension of the family I always wanted, but never had.

So last night, when Rolyne asked me if I wanted to talk with Hilda, and I said, " Oh, sure, I just didn't want to interrupt Lori's time with her." It was my own insecure way of saying, "Please? I love her too, but I don't feel worthy enough to bump Lori." And when Lori looked at me like I was crazy, it felt good, because Lori expected that I bump her, just like Kaylene expects that I hug her, or that Keri expects me to chat with her. They don't view me in the way I sometimes view myself, unworthy. Even after all this time, I still have my moments of insecurity. Not because they make me feel this way, but because I still can't believe that I could ever be this lucky to love a family and have them love me back.

So, no matter what else the month of October brings us, I want each and every one of you to know how much I love you. Time on earth is too short, and we must all count our blessings that we come from good stock and are the products of love and faith.

Jeff: Thank you for being kind and genuinely interested in what each of us is doing.
Karla: Thank you for not being afraid to be yourself, or to be close to me.
Keri: Thank you for always being there for me and for staying up late to just chat.
Bill: Thank you for having everyone's best interest at heart.
Doug: Thank you for always making time to talk to me.
Em: Thank you for encouraging me to persue my goals and for helping me to encourage Ross.
Scott: Thank you for baptizing me, it's the best gift I've ever received.
Karin: Thank you for loving me the way you know to love people, with your whole heart.
Lori: Thank you for laughing with me and making me live a little. You have no idea how much I need that sometimes.
Rob: Thank you for always sharing your thoughts and your time with me, I know i can always depend on you.
Ned: Thank you for being the most honest and sincere gentleman. You're a great friend as well as a brother in law.
Rachel: Thank you for taking the time to get to know me, and for trusting me. Our closeness means more to me than you know.

and Rolyne, thank you for being as much my mother as your own children's mother. There's nothing more secure than knowing you've got someone who loves you, just the way you are. Our relationship means the world to me.

And there they are, my thoughts on October........


-Em